I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
