You smell like a Billy Joel song
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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