if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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