just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
