next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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