my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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