You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
