If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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