Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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