you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
