Did you just see the Batmobile???
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just found puke in my bra..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
