She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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