I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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