is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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