Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i barfeds in our rink
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
tell me about the fingering
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
