when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You took a bar mat shot.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
