i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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