I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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