i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
