You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He felt like a one man threesome
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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