It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
