Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
