I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
