No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
