You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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