dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
