I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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