I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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