I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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