My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
