wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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