I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
