Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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