They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
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Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
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Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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