You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
