Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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