so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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