too bad you live with your parents still
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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