I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
