"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
