i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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