I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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