I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
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the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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