no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
