I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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