She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize