My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
