I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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