well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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