where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
