i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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