I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
