All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
