His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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