I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
