They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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